Taking a Chance on Myself

TL;DR: I quit my job as an Emmy-winning news producer and took a chance on myself by starting a photography business.

Winning my first Emmy with friend and colleague Kim

This year I turn 48 years old. For most of my adult life, I have been at least a rudderless vessel, or at most, a vessel captained by someone other than myself. While there were moments of conviction where I thought I knew where I stood, I would find out my convictions and principles were as malleable and impressionable as the Silly Putty I used to pull comics out of the newspaper as a kid. 

There were countless ideas where I thought “That would be a great thing for someone to do!” or even “I should do that!”.  Some of those ideas actually became a thing, for other people. For example, I invented the Mexican Pizza in 6th grade as a latch-key kid in New Jersey looking for a next-level snack to watch Duck Tales with. I know this is ridiculous, but I’m sticking to my story.  Taco Bell claims invented it two years prior, but I didn’t know that. In fact, I just learned this from Taco Bell’s website as I’m writing this, but I digress. I was a loyal McDonald’s kid and don’t think I ever had Taco Bell until high school or later. I made that Mexican Pizza on my own and only later found it on a Taco Bell menu to my extreme vindication and disappointment.

12 years ago, I was a shell of a human being. Freshly burned by another relationship gone awry, deep in an alcohol, cigarette, and food addiction, and slowly (and consciously) killing myself. I called it “slow suicide”. In my mind, I never thought I’d make it this far. I was sure I’d die of a heart attack or some other condition brought on by my addictions and bad habits. I was a collection of half-measured failures and co-dependent decision-making. I was essentially homeless, first staying with my brother and his family in Montgomery, Texas, and then living with my father on the futon in a small studio apartment in San Diego. That’s when I found San Diego City College’s Radio, Television and Film program. In 2014, I went to a presentation and spoke with the department head and my future mentor, news mom, and friend Laura Castañeda. With the help of my father, allowing me the opportunity to not have a job and focus on school, in two years I was winning San Diego Press Club awards and moving to Redding, California for my first news job at KRCR as a news producer. Two years later in 2019, I got a producer spot at KGTV in San Diego where I earned two Emmys. I took to broadcast journalism like a fish to water and was successful at it by many definitions. But like many in TV news or journalism in general, I wouldn’t be around for long.

Fast forward to the middle of 2023. I was miserable. For me, I could no longer ignore what seemed to me to be obvious. The TV News business was not a sustainable one for the journalists doing the actual work, making the “content”. I’ll get into that at some point in the future because I still believe in the mission of journalism, just not the billion-dollar companies that have soured the public and the journalists on the profession. It’s worth talking about, but this post isn’t about the state of journalism.

Moving to the present, I got lawyers, broke my contract, and quit my job in January 2024. I had no lofty goals, only to move into the more traditional communications business, earn more money, less stress, and leave TV behind. Well, that didn’t work as I hoped. Despite my best efforts, diligent resume and cover letter customizing, hiring a career coach, and paying for a professional resume service, I have only heard crickets. Only one place I applied to did I get to interview. I even got offered the job as a Communications Director at a government agency but the position blew up at the 11th hour and I was left still unemployed.

To help with my sanity, I started to take walks at Mission Beach in the afternoons with my Ricoh GRIII to get fresh air, sun, exercise and look for interesting pictures to make.  It was during those walks I decided if no one was going to give me a chance, then I would. I would be creative, make content, write blogs, use SEO and social media, and make it work for me. I would take portraits at Mission Beach and other popular San Diego tourist spots like Balboa Park, Seaport Village, the Embarcadero, and the Gaslamp District. My gimmick is that I use a restored Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 Land Camera, hence the name, Instant Vintage. I’ll also offer digital portraits because those are fun too.

As my business launches in May 2024, I have no idea if it will be successful. There are many variables and despite it being a good idea, it could fail…I could fail. But, I’ve done my homework, created P&L spreadsheets, created modest projections, and a simple business plan. I’ve created a logo, a website, and an Instagram page. I’ve gotten to know the camera and the specifics of Polaroid film photography.  If I can reach my modest goals I’ll make as much as I did in TV news (which isn’t saying a lot). But I’ll never know unless I take a chance on myself.

It’s taken 47 years to get to this point and I feel like all of my life’s experiences have led up to this. If I put my all into this and fail, then it wasn’t meant to be, but if it works then I get to create my own destiny. I’m inspired by the many people I know (including my sister) who have done the same, and could have been too afraid to pull the trigger, but didn’t and are making their own way.  I’m taking this chance on myself and for those who buy a portrait, I thank you for doing the same.

As Instant Vintage sets to kick off, I can tell you these things:

1.       I’m already happier and less stressed. Despite being without an income and ignored by the countless companies and organizations I’ve applied to, I feel better. My body and mind are no longer bracing itself for the next disaster and how to respond on TV.  I’m not cussing out people while driving. I’m not ruminating on things I can’t change. Despite what hardships I currently face, leaving what felt like a toxic work environment has been worth it. The idea of not working for another big corporation again is motivation.

2.       Finding my “Why. Speaking of motivation, I’ve had to really drill down and find the reason WHY I wanted to leave news, and WHY I was unhappy to find WHAT I want to do in the future. I learned that I want more creativity, autonomy and the feeling that I have value.

3.       I still have problems, but they are good problems. For all that’s going wrong, I have the ability and the resources to solve them. I know I’ll always have problems. We all will. I’m grateful for the ability to solve them and move on to the next. Avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away, but only makes them worse and can turn good problems into the opposite.

4.       Making a plan works. I used to be afraid of plans because I was afraid of contradicting the loosey-goosey, hippie-dippy self-image I had created for myself. I was afraid of appearing “bossy”. Mostly, I was afraid of failure and confirming my other self-image, that I was not worth following or listening to. Make the plan and follow it. If it fails, make another plan. Give yourself a roadmap. Despite the many obstacles and changes thrown my way or self-imposed, my life has been better for it so far.

5.       Give yourself some grace. “Give yourself some grace” is something I’ve heard over and over again the past year. I’m not religious, but I do make attempts at spirituality and no longer knock those who believe. Grace, to me, is small moments of forgiveness I give to myself. It reminds me that I’m human and makes me feel more connected to others. It allows me to take a break when I’ve been working hard. It allows me to take a deep breath (or two or three) when I’m under stress. It encourages me, an introvert’s introvert, to seek out human interaction and appreciate it. It helps me see my blind spots and not judge myself for them, but instead, notice them and learn from them.

6.       Friends and family are essential to life and happiness. I come from a dysfunctional family and that has made relationships difficult for me. So much so that I would avoid seeing people to spend time alone, even when I need friends the most. I believe in this life we make our own friends AND family. I’ve learned that spending time with them makes me feel more fulfilled. A day with the people who I care about and I believe truly care about me is priceless. The way I feel at the end of the day is golden.

7.       I can’t do this by myself. Accept help from those you trust and love. Accept grace whenever and wherever you find it. Don’t take on the world alone. Give love to those around you and to yourself.

Well, now that my first blog post is in the books, I thank you for reading this far. I hope to see you out in the world and take your picture. I hope to make your memories nice ones for me as well. Thanks, until next time.

Afterthought: I miss newspaper comics. As a kid, I wasn’t a comic book nerd, but a comics nerd. I collected newspaper comics. I would cut out and keep my favorite weekday comic and would archive the entire Sunday comics section of the paper. It got to the point that when a new Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes, or The Far Side book was released, I already had most of them in my collection. Like most things in my youth, they “disappeared” over summer break or during a move.

And for the record, my first great idea was a joke I wrote when I was six or seven, maybe eight, but definitely NOT nine. It’s a joke I loved (and still do), but it’s really only for people aware of the primetime soap operas that were so huge in the 1980’s, so the audience is limited. Here it is: What kind of toothpaste do birds use? Falcons Crest. Yes, I knew birds didn’t have teeth and that fact bothered me at the time, but I wanted that punchline!